I’ve stopped blogging here and continued with a new blog called
Wandering Spirits At Home.
Please come visit! Todays post is called “Making A Nest”
I’ve stopped blogging here and continued with a new blog called
Wandering Spirits At Home.
Please come visit! Todays post is called “Making A Nest”
New Blog….Wandering Spirits At Home
I don’t know if the link will work. I hope so but if not if you go to
the blog does seem to be showing up now.
The reason I don’t know if the link will work is because I can’t test it until I post this blog.
Once you get to the blog, on the right side near the top there is a button to click on to sign up for the blog to come to your email.
Just click it and follow the instructions, and then when I post a blog, it SHOULD show up in your email box. I also always try to post it on my FB page.
Pictures are random today.
It’s hard being a computer pre-schooler….and even though I’ve had a computer of some sort for about 21 years now, I seem to make little to no progress at learning the ways of the internet. When I do something right, it’s usually an accident. Then, since I didn’t realize what I was doing it’s likely I won’t be able to repeat it…until it happens again by accident. After a series of happy accidents, I may possibly learn something.
I marvel at friends who understand the workings of these things…
California Poppies. So pretty.
There are a couple of loose ends I’d like to tie up here on this blog…things I’ve mentioned before and didn’t follow up on.
Yes, I’m moving, but NO, I’m not abandoning Mary’s house. I’m housesitting and that hasn’t changed. I’ll be here on just about a daily basis, checking up on things, taking care of the cat-that-adopted-Mary, watering yard and flowers, and doing yard work. This is a GOOD thing, since I need to keep super busy right now.
The other thing….remember my friend Jo, who passed away not long ago? I missed her celebration of life because I didn’t know she had died, and I was so relieved that I would be able to attend her Military Ceremony that was going to be held at the new Fort Ord Veterans cemetery.
Shiloh, Jo, and Joy.
Well, I didn’t go after all, because it turned out that it was held on the same day that Shiloh needed to leave for the spirit world, even within the same hour.
It broke my heart not to be there, but I know that Jo, of all people, would understand. I’ve since been able to go there and find where her ashes are resting and it’s a beautiful place. It’s a very small cemetery….silent, peaceful, and in the hills that overlook the ocean. Jo, from Kansas, was stationed at Fort Ord as a nurse, many long years ago. She too, fell in love with with this area and lived close by it for the rest of her life. She knew the trails and after Fort Ord closed she walked her dogs there, and taught me some of the walks and trails. Some right up by where the cemetery sits now. She spoke of her hope that the cemetery here would be open and in use by the time she needed it. I’m so glad that worked out. I can see me having some nice talks with her where her ashes are resting, in the future. Just like old times…
An amazing sunset I witnessed in Arizona. Wow. Just Wow.
I’ll continue to post here to redirect to the new blog. Still working on getting the bugs out of that one. If you happen to go there and see something weird, it’s probably because I’m trying to fix something. I have corrected a couple things I didn’t like. Still, it seems the very first blog that shows up was put there by wordpress, not by me. Something about “The Journey Begins. It’s only one sentence though. My first actual post there is called “An Introduction All Over Again”.
If you want to sign up for Wandering Spirits At Home and you are having problems, if you comment here, I will try to help….in my internet DUH sort of way!
I didn’t realize how true that was, until now. Until Shiloh is Purely Spirit. It wasn’t ONE Wandering Spirit, it was three. I got it wrong, and then comforted myself with thought that the three of us are one combined spirit…all one with each other.
Now I know that even more so. We really ARE one….Shiloh’s spirit is still here with me…he is part of me. I feel his presence.
This is part of how I’m coping with his death….by believing that he is still here….because I just don’t know how to be without him.
Anyway, the blog is now mis-named in another way too. Well. Sort of. Because we are no longer wandering. I’ve decided to settle. Joy and I will be starting a new chapter in our lives….so….
why not start a new blog too???
(Besides, I’ve used up about 90% of my space on this one)!
Joy on the beach this morning.
i brainstormed new titles for a blog and read them to my friend Laura. She commented that I left ‘wandering’ out of all of them. I said, yes, because I’m no longer wandering…it would be misleading. Her thoughts on that were that no, it wouldn’t be misleading because she has always seen me as a wanderer. If not spiritually then physically wandering the beache, or Big Sur, or moving from Michigan to California to New Hampshire, back to California, back to Michigan, then back to California, then traveling four years, and now back to California! Yes, she said, you ARE a Wandering spirit. That’s not misleading!
‘Our beach’…so to speak.
Landing in California four times, I think I can safely say the coast of California is home. So, I came up with the title of a new blog…..
“Wandering Spirits At Home”.
The blog is there, though sometimes Google says it doesn’t exist. (It needs a lot of work. I’d like to get the words below the picture, and the small picture out of the middle of the big picture…but it’s got me totally frustrated right now so I’ll try again later. Also the picture and quote at the very end were added by WordPress….not mine.)
Looks like this right now.
Yes, that’s plural on the ‘spirits’ this time.
All of us, Shiloh included. And maybe someday another spirit will join us….
First blog is called ‘An Introduction All Over Again’, but it’s very brief.
I was hesitant to do this, because I may lose a lot of you. It means you will have to find me again, and if you want the new blog to come to you automatically you’ll need to sign up again.
And you may no longer care to read the new blog because we are staying in one spot for now and that may not interest you.
I don’t know where it’s going to lead. There will be things about minimalist living I think, because right now I have very few possessions and I like living simply. Changing over residency to California. Dogs, gardening, beach walks, poetry, vegan/vegetarian lifestyle….who knows what else. Right now the plan is to spend some time at Caballo Loco Ranch in Arizona this winter, up on my hill, boondocking. so there’s that.
I will also continue to post here for awhile to remind those that might come looking, that we’ve moved the blog.
I hope you all will understand and if you think you might have some interest in our new adventures, I hope you’ll come along!
I didn’t think I’d write a poem about him. But then, there it was inside, insisting to be let out. Barking at the door, you might say.
So I’ve written it for days…bits and pieces would come to me, along with tears…while on walks…while driving….I’ve been needing to keep a pen and paper near by. And a box of Puffs.
ODE TO SHILOH
Memories of you dance through my mind and heart. Each one feels like a poison arrow or dart.
And yet they are such sweet thoughts I can’t resist, Watching you again, through the mental mist.
The little things you would always do, The smile in your eyes that said “I love you too”.
Being ‘Sheriff Shiloh’, or silly, or calm, or aloof, Being my protector, with an ‘arf’ or a ‘woof’.
Playing with toys wasn’t your thing, But you were highly entertained, listening to me sing!
And ensconced on the bed, no way would you budge, Not with a push, or a pull, or a nudge.
Offered a treat, you would just look away. Wherever you snuggled in, that’s where you’d stay.
So Joy and I would have to find our spot, And sleep that way, comfy or not.
I didn’t really mind, because part of me knew, Some dreadful day, there wouldn’t be you.
You loved for the brush to stroke your fur, And to be told how beautiful you were.
You had such eye lashes as I’ve ever seen. Certainly the envy of every princess and queen.
You were always there for a scratch or a pat, And how many times on my foot you sat.
i have memories of you rolling in cow pies, and chasing a deer, And running through fences, to catch you a steer,
And there’s the time the coyote lured you….come near… He was hoping to have you for dinner, I fear.
Rabbits and squirrels and kitties would run, But you’d never hurt them, it was all in good fun.
We three traveled together, all over this land, Four years you wandered woods, fields, and sands.
You explored untold lakes, and rivers and streams, And at night you’d relive it in all your wonderful dreams.
As I’d drive you’d stare out the window, miles on end. What were you thinking of, my solemn, sweet friend?
And often, as I turned, to look back at you, You were staring at me, because that’s what you’d do.
”Let’s go for a walk” we’re the words you lived for, and then, When we got back your eyes would ask “can we go again?”
You loved CLR, where you could run free, And pee on the cactus with impunity.
Folks kept stopping by with a treat, As if you and Joy didn’t have enough to eat!
But the misty beach on the Monterey Bay Was the place you loved best….the place Joy and I will stay.
You’ve been my sunshine for so many years, You helped me through life, and so many tears and fears.
You were my comforter, when I was sad. When I looked in your eyes, nothing seemed bad.
You were noble and stoic, you would never complain. It was hard for me to tell when you had any pain.
For you to suffer, wasn’t part of the deal. So I let you move on, no matter how I would feel.
I held on tight as I let you go. And I’m still holding you tight in my heart, I guess you know.
My innocent boy, so full of peace. Now you’re free of cancer, with loving release.
I miss you each minute, my beautiful boy, Though your sweet, sweet spirit is now part of me and Joy.
I have to believe that, because there’s no possible way, I could get by without you for one single day.
”Mommy love Shiloh” forever and then, “Mommy love Shiloh” forever again.
Into eternity, beyond space and time, I will be yours and you will be mine.
First, let me say thank you for all the kindness so many showed in your comments on the last post. I wanted to answer each one but when I would try….it was too hard. Please know I appreciate every word and thought and prayer.
So Joy and I are here at Mary’s house, while she travels. She is in Sedona, AZ right now, finally able to feel the special energy there, which she has longed to do for years.
My sweet Shiloh boy passed away from cancer (was euthanized) on May 18. The cloud of grief hanging over Joy and I is huge. I have never mourned for anyone to this degree, and my heart has never been this broken.
I stated in my last post (SHILOH), that the future is a blur. Really I couldn’t see a future. I stated awhile back that we were staying here at Mary’s house this summer because I needed a break from traveling and towing, and because we would be house sitting for Mary, who wants to do some traveling of her own, now that she’s retired.
Both of those reasons are true, but I had another reason too, that I wasn’t as willing to share, and that was Joy’s age and condition. She is approaching 15 years of age, old for a Golden, and she has the accompanying problems, of being about 100 in human years. She let me know that constant travel is getting too hard for her. She wants stability. I’ve been wondering if she will make it through the summer.
Shiloh seemed to be doing well though, and even though he was closing in on 12 years and his back was arthritic, he was still going strong…running…playing…happy.
Until he wasn’t.
Until cancer took him from us, in a sudden way. That meant less suffering for him, which is my ultimate goal for my furry ones…comfort and quality of life.
And that’s when the future became a blur. At first I couldn’t sort anything out at all. Dark depression fell over me like a stormy sky. The physical world matched my feelings. No sun here for over a week. Joy, for the first time in her life, has not been joyful. ‘Kerry and Annabelle’ came to stay with us for a few days, but after they left, I thought I might lose Joy. For over 11 years, she has never been without her Shiloh.
Joy using Shiloh as a pillow.
Shilohs death was a life-changing event for us. I am grateful…SO GRATEFUL….for the time he spent with me. I am missing him every minute. The grief is still acute. Everything reminds me of him, and thus his absence.
This experience is leaving me a changed person. Maybe it’s called growth…in that case I’d rather not grow.
One of the things that has changed about me is that I have no desire to full time travel now, without my furry kids/companions/friends, and Shiloh was my protector, always looking after me, ready to support me in every way he could, always keeping me in his line of vision ( well except when he was rolling in fresh cow pies, or chasing a squirrel). He laughed at me when I was silly ( like every time I tried to put up the ‘damn clam’, he looked on with such glee and made me laugh at myself).
These things were part of his role, a role he created for himself from the wonderful being he was.
Joy also created her role, according to her personality. Her love for everyone and everything gives her a bouncy, carefree spirit. She sees the world through rose colored glasses, and it’s hard to be sad around her, at least it was until May 18.
The point is, full timing without these two isn’t something that appeals to me at all. Not even a little bit. If I have to go without them, I don’t want to go.
So I’m going to stay. As of May 31 I put into motion the process of preparing to make a permanent residence here in the area again….back in the same community I lived in before I went on this journey in August of 2014, when Shiloh was about to turn 8, and Joy was a very spry almost 11 years old.
This decision has given me a degree of peace…and something to focus on.
The other thing is, that I picked up Shilohs ashes at the vets office yesterday. They are in a beautiful wooden box with his name on it. Can’t bring myself to show you a picture . It’s very nice but the thought of his remains in there is next to unbearable and sent me into a major meltdown last night and almost no sleep.
Yes I know his spirit is free and he is with me because he told me that…
I know, but I still call his name, and I don’t see how I’ll ever heal from this.
“Shiloh, when I was young (er)
I used to call your name.
When no one else would come,
Shiloh you always came.
And we’d play….
And you’d stay.”
Just over a week ago, I thought Shiloh had a month or two or three….and then it all went so fast. But then I realized the pain he began having…”its time mommy….I don’t want to leave you… but it’s time to go now. Things don’t work right anymore”
My friend Laura came over. Shiloh actually greeted her at the door. Licked her hand. It was his job and above all he was faithful. He wouldn’t let us down.
The vet was planning on coming to the house but they got swamped that morning with 6 emergencies. He couldn’t get away. I couldn’t let Shiloh suffer, waiting.
So one last time my sweet boy went up the ramp into JR, and Joy was with us too.
The back seat of the truck…..that was home to him. The vet came to the parking lot and gave him the sedative. Within minutes he was sleeping in my arms, pain free. I was lying down with him, with my arms around him, when the euthanasia drug was given.
I felt him take his last breath.
Then stillness. No more suffering for my sweet Shiloh..
it felt like my heart stopped too. I will never be the same.
He taught me how to live. He taught me how to die. If I could only attain to his example, I would be a much better person.
Even his name had so much meaning for me….
Sur (not Sir)…..for Big Sur, my most favorite place in the world.
Shiloh….for ‘Shalom’ , meaning Peace.
Sunshine….because he was my sunshine.
I often sang that little song to him.
The sun stopped shining here that day, quite literally, as well as in my heart. A week later and I still haven’t seen it for more than a few minutes where I am. The way I’m feeling, I don’t know if it will ever shine in my heart again.
For the first time ever, Joy has lost her joy. She is as depressed as I am. When you think about it, they were within site of each other 95% or more of the time.
‘Kerry and Annabelle’ arrived from Oregon that evening, and were able to stay for a few days.
I will be forever grateful to Laura, Kerry, and her dog Annabelle for helping Joy and i in such a difficult time. Thank you to the 3 of you, beyond words.
We’ve been going to the misty, lonely beach daily. We have both needed to be there, where in the past we have shared such fun times together.
Joy looks for him there.
The last time we were there without him was over 11 years ago.
Joy looks for him there.
So do I.
It seems so impossible that he isn’t there with us, or with us on our walks (I bring his collar). It seems impossible I’m making meals for just one dog, or leaving Joy all alone in the truck as I do errands. I haven’t left her alone at the house yet.
We look for him here at the house too….and sometimes…I get a glimpse of him, in an ethereal kind of way. Little gifts from him in the spirit world…letting me know he’s close by….because I haven’t been able to let go.
He even had a ‘conversation’ with me. He said he is part of me now. He said he is peace for me. He said Joy knows he is here, yet we all still miss each other. He said more…
You can think I’m crazy. I am….crazy with grief. Sometimes when we can’t get what we want ( to hug him again, stroke his soft fur….tell him ‘mommy loves Shiloh’), we get what we need.
I don’t know what happens next, or what the future holds. It all seems like a blur out there. Joy is more fragile physically, as well as emotionally, since….it happened.
I always have said ‘it’s all about the dogs’, and it is likely I would have never set out in WS if it hadn’t been for them. So I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I need to mention that in the last blog, the comments section wasn’t working and I don’t know why. If it continues not working I’ll come up with an email address where we can connect if you wish.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.
Shiloh’s spirit is now running free….he used to run like the wind….and now he’s able to do that again. I think he’s met his friend and mine, Jo, at the Rainbow Bridge. She was there waiting for him….still helping me with my pups.
I am beyond words, broken in pieces. My heart is on the ground, and Joy is not Joyful. My friend Laura was here with me when I let my dear sweet boy go free. My friend “Karry” and her dog “Annabelle” are on their way here now from Oregon.
Sur Shiloh Sunshine…August 11, 2006, living a beautiful, gentle, peaceful life until May 18, 2018.
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
I will write more another time. I just needed to let you know.